Journal
Updated 08/12/2008

              

 

August 12, 2008
(update by Ryann)

    It has been so long since I have sat down to update.  It just seems that we have been so busy lately.  Cade is doing great.  He was 20 lbs 6 oz at his 6 month check up.  He is getting so big!  He is trying to crawl, but so far is only able to get up on all fours and rock back and forth.  We are in for it when he becomes mobile as he is so curious and wants to put everything in his mouth.  We have some major baby proofing to do around here.  He has finally made the transition to his own room.  He was sleeping in a crib in our room.  We got a video baby monitor so that we could still rest easy even though he wasn’t sleeping right next to us.

    We were able to visit the hospital last month.  Thanks to a generous donation from Woodmen of the World, we took i-pods, Nintendo DS systems, and American Express gift cards on behalf of the Hadley May Foundation.  We had a wonderful visit with Hadley’s social worker, nurse practitioner, oncologist, and all of the many nurses who took such excellent care of our girl.  We spent so much time there that visiting is like going home to see part of our family.  We also had an excellent lunch with Ms. Nena from HIP.  Everyone was so excited to finally meet Cade and we left with smiles on our faces.  Everyone in Birmingham is so special to us, and we treasure the times that we get to visit with them.

    As most of you have probably heard by now, we are expecting another little one around February 28th of next year.  Cade and this baby will only be 13 months apart so we will have our hands full but we are really excited!

    Hadley’s birthday is fast approaching in only 2 short months.  I can’t believe our girl would have been 5 this year.  We continue to miss her presence daily.  No matter what, there will always be a hole in our family and our hearts.  Please pray for us as our grief continues to be a constant companion. 

    Thanks to everyone for reading and checking in.

 

June 4, 2008
(update by Ryann)

    Summer is here and it seems that we are staying pretty busy.  Tony finished school last week, and has now started graduate school.  He is working on getting his master’s in math education.  He also just got hired as the youth minister at our church, First United Methodist in Troy.  He is really excited about it, and feels that this is what the Lord has been leading him towards.  While he may be out of school for the summer, it looks as if he will be very busy until school starts back in August.  We have also been very busy working on our yard.  It seems as if we always have some project outside to do.  Surprisingly, I have come to enjoy yard work, however, some days I wonder if I have gotten myself in over my head with all the watering I have to do.  Our yard has come a long ways, but we still have a lot to go until we get it like we want it.

    Tony got his first ever brand new car this past weekend.  We sold his truck because of the cost of gas and got him a little Nissan Versa.  It is black, and I tell him that it is his little golf cart with doors.  He is really proud of it and we are excited about the gas mileage.  It is supposed to get anywhere from 27 to 37 miles to the gallon.

    I am staying busy with Cade.  I have gotten him on a pretty good schedule and he is sleeping all night, which is wonderful.  His 4 month checkup was last Friday, and he weighed in at 17lbs 6 oz and was 26 inches long.  He was in the 95th percentile for weight and height.  He is such a big boy!  He is rolling over, giggling, and is just curious about everything.  He wants to touch everything and put it in his mouth.  When he becomes mobile in a few months, we are really going to have our hands full.  We had him baptized at church last Sunday.  He did really well for the service, although he baby talked into the preacher’s microphone, and then he tried to eat the microphone when the pastor was presenting him to the congregation.  Everyone got a good laugh at that.  It seems as if our children always like to be the clown!

    As far as how we are doing with Hadley’s loss, we still miss her like crazy every day.  Our family just does not feel complete and never will until we are united in heaven with her one day.  However, time does continue to help us to heal.  While it doesn’t change how much we miss her, it allows us to remember the goods times more often with a smile than with tears, but the tears do still come, just less frequently.  We know she is so much happier and healthier now, and we continue to look forward to the day we see her again.  I only wish Cade could have known his big sister, but I am trusting in the Lord that he will meet her in heaven one day.

    We have added new pictures of Cade, just click here to see them.

    Thanks to everyone for checking in on us.

 

April 26, 2008
(update by Ryann)

    It has been forever since I have sat down to update.  Obviously, a lot has happened since our last entry.  Cade is now nearly 3 months old and is doing wonderful.  He is almost 15 pounds, so he is a really big boy.  He sleeps almost all night and hardly ever cries.  He is just such a happy baby.  He reminds us so much of Hadley sometimes.  The resemblance to her at this age is unreal.  They look so much alike that you can hardly tell their pictures apart.

    We continue to miss Hadley each and every day.  Cade melts our hearts when we see him looking up at her pictures and smiling.  We often catch him just staring at a picture of her and grinning back at her.  We plan for him to always know just how precious his big sister was.  I can’t believe Hadley would have been 5 this year.  I constantly think about what she would look like and be like by now.

    Because of Hadley, we truly cherish each and every moment with Cade.  We know what is important in life and we just enjoy him so much.  We have been blessed with 2 great children and we will always be grateful to God for both of these blessings.  Even though our time with Hadley was short, we wouldn’t change it for anything.  Here is a link with some updated pictures of Cade! Click Here

    I also ask you today to remember the family of a little girl named Avery in your prayers.  She is five years old and has been fighting a brain tumor since the age of 10 months.  She just passed away early this morning.  Please say a prayer for her family’s peace and comfort, and love on your children extra because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Her website is www.averyann.net

    Please remember this year as you are renewing your license plate, to consider purchasing a Curing Childhood Cancer tag.  Of the $50 cost, $48 goes directly to the oncology department at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, and as an added plus, personalization is free.  This is an excellent way to honor Hadley and those others who are fighting this disease.

    Thank you to everyone who continues to read and lift our family up in prayer.

 

January 1, 2008
(update by Ryann)

    As the New Year approaches, I can honestly say that I am ready for 2007 to be over.  It was such a tough year without Hadley.  There were so many firsts to face without her.  It is really hard to believe that she has been gone for over a year now.  Once again, Christmas was just not the same without her.  We both wondered what she would have wanted this year, and we so missed shopping for her and taking her out to see the Christmas decorations.  I am thankful that God sustained us and carried us through this past year.  Without Him, I know that we could not have made it.  It is our faith and hope that we will one day be with our angel again that gets us through each day.

    We look forward to 2008 coming as our little Cade should be here in 5 weeks or less.  My doctor says he thinks he is going to be a pretty big baby and that he will probably induce me at the end. Hadley was 8 lbs 6 oz, so I guess our little guy will likely be that or more.  Beginning a new year is also bittersweet, as we realize that it is one more year without our Hadley here.  However, we are thankful for the time we had her here with us and we look to the future with the hope and confidence of one day being reunited with her.

    Thank you to everyone who has held us up in prayer this past year.  We truly appreciate it.  Please also remember Kinsley’s family this week.  Sunday, January 6th, will be one year since little Kinsley entered Heaven.  I know from our experience this past month that it will be a tough time for them, so please keep them in your thoughts.

 

December 7, 2007
(update by Ryann)

December 7th will mark one year since we said goodbye to our precious girl.  There are no words to describe how much we miss her.  Time certainly does not make us miss her any less nor does it fill the hole we have in our hearts for her.  We long to see her, hold her, and hear her laugh.  We know that she is so much better off where she is now, but that does not change how much we miss her.

 It is so hard to believe that life has continued on for a whole year without her.  Some memories feel like they just happened yesterday, but mostly it feels like it has been a lifetime since we saw her.

 To Hadley, we miss you so much sweet girl! You will always be with us in our hearts, you will forever be part of our family, and we will never ever forget you or stop loving you!

 

November 22, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    As the holiday season approaches this year, we continue to miss Hadley more and more.  I can only imagine what she would be like this year as a 4 year old little girl.  I know she would be so grown up by now and would be all little girl.  With Thanksgiving coming this week, I think about all of the things that I am thankful for in my life.  The first blessing I am so thankful for is Hadley and getting to be her mom.  She was truly the best daughter any parent could ever ask for.  I am also thankful for little Cade who is on the way and will hopefully be here in just 11 more weeks.  I am anxious to see how much he favors his big sister.  Finally, I am thankful for Tony and our relationship.  I know I couldn’t have made it through this past year without him.

    The big news we have to update on this month is that the Hadley May Foundation got approved by the IRS as a tax exempt charitable organization.  We are really excited and look forward to the coming year of raising money to help all of the other families facing childhood cancer.  We would like to thank Jerry Carden for all the time he put in to help make this happen for us.  We are so happy to do something positive in Hadley’s memory.  If you are interested in reading more about the foundation, go back to Hadley’s home page and click on the Hadley May Foundation button.  Tony has been very busy adding information to this section.

    I am not sure how many people still read Hadley’s website, but I always feel the need to keep updating to help keep her memory alive.  To everyone who still checks in on us, thank you for all the prayers and support.  Have a great Thanksgiving!

 

October 16, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    I know that it has been forever since we updated.  We have been pretty busy as we just got finished moving to a bigger trailer across the field from where we were.  We have been busy unpacking and setting up our new home.  We are both really excited about the space as it is twice as big as our other trailer.

    We continue to miss Hadley more and more everyday.  We have missed her extra lately as her birthday is October 19th and we have been dreading not having her here to celebrate it ever since she passed away last year.  It is hard to believe that it has been nearly a year now since we have last seen our precious angel.  I know she will have a wonderful birthday in heaven, but I sure do wish we had her here to celebrate it with us.  We plan to eat her favorite meal of Crowe’s chicken with 3 sauces each to dip our chicken in and McDonald’s “fry-fries”, then we are going to release some balloons for her. 

    We have been thinking back to this time last year.  Hadley was so excited for her birthday and for Halloween.  She was a jaguar (or jagwar as she called it), and she was in awe as she trick-or-treated in Auburn.  She couldn’t believe that they were just giving away candy and balloons at all of the businesses in town.  This month holds many happy memories for us.  It was really Hadley’s last month that she felt really well.  The beginning of November began the start of her failing health.  We really had no idea what we were in for and expected her to bounce back as she always did.  I am glad we didn’t know though because it would have made it hard to be happy and positive all the time in front of her.

    My pregnancy is going smoothly.  My blood sugar came back just a little high last week so my doctor put me on a low carb diet.  I sure do miss my Reese’s peanut butter cups already, and it has only been 3 days since the diet started.  I have 16 more weeks to go, not that I am counting or anything.  We have also decided on a name.  His name will be Cade Anthony May and we will call him Cade.

    Thank you to everyone who checks on us.  Please keep us in your prayers as the holidays and Hadley’s birthday approaches.

 

September 11, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    Today was the big day.  We found out that Hadley is getting a ……..little brother!  We were surprised as we had both just sort of assumed that we were having a girl.  We are really excited but still getting used to it as we having been referring to him as a girl named Izzy for the past 20 weeks.  We have a lot to learn and we are looking forward to it.  Most importantly, he was the perfect size and looked very healthy on the ultrasound.  We spent the afternoon wandering through the boy clothes and picking out things for him to wear.  This will definitely be a new adventure for us!  We are working on a name and will post it when we decide for sure.

     We continue to miss Hadley each and every day.  That never changes and it never will.  We will always wish she was here to experience all of these things with us.  We know she would have been a wonderful big sister.  She will always be our little girl.  Thanks to everyone for still checking on us and for all the prayers.

 

August 14, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    I felt the need to update Hadley’s website again.  I think it is just very therapeutic for me to come here and remember and write about Hadley.  Since our last update we have had a few things going on.  We took our trip to Savannah which turned out to be a lot of fun.  Of course, we saw all kinds of things we knew Hadley would have enjoyed.  We also made a visit to Birmingham last week.  We had a wonderful lunch with Nena and Trudy from Hand-in-Paw.  We enjoyed visiting with them and remembering Hadley.  We also took some toys and gas cards over to Children’s.  We got to see some of our favorite people there, and we really enjoyed visiting with all of them.  We left with smiles on our faces because it felt so good to do something positive in Hadley’s memory.  In other news, a few weeks ago we said goodbye to Hadley’s miniature horse Peanut or “Peanup” as she called him.  He went back to his original owners Steve and Janet Hicks.  We want to say a special thank you to the Hicks’ for sharing Peanut with Hadley.  He brought so much joy to Hadley and I will always remember the excitement in her eyes the day he came to live here.  She couldn’t believe that she got to keep him.  I mean how many 3 years olds get to have their very own miniature horse.  She loved him so much and I will always treasure the memories I have of her playing with him.

    In a couple of weeks we will be attending a memorial service at the hospital remembering the children of the Hematology/Oncology department who have recently lost their fights to cancer and other blood disorders.  We are looking forward to it as we always enjoy remembering Hadley.  However, it breaks my heart that they have to have these services twice a year.  No child should have to endure what these children do.  I was thinking about Hadley today and for some reason I was remembering her very first words “Read book” and her very last words “I want some milk”.  Her last words stand out to me so much.  She was in ICU and was sedated but she woke up long enough to look up at me and say “I want some milk”.  Milk was her favorite thing in the whole world and I so wish I would have been able to get it for her.  I then realized how unnatural it feels for me to know what her last words were.  Please pray that a cure for childhood cancer is soon found so parents in the future will no longer have to hear their child’s last words.  It is just not a milestone you ever hope to reach with your children.

    The pregnancy is continuing to go smoothly.  I have an appointment next week.  Hopefully in September we will find out if Hadley is having a little brother or sister.  Thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers.

 

July 23, 2007
(update by Ryann)

        It’s been nearly a month since our last update, and although we don’t have much news, I figured it was time to update Hadley’s site.  Things are going okay here.  Tony’s summer is quickly coming to an end and he will soon begin a new school year.  We visited Tony’s mom in Louisiana a couple of weeks ago, and really had a great time.  As usual, it was bittersweet, as we missed Hadley and knew that she would have really enjoyed the trip.  We are looking forward to a trip with my family to Savannah this weekend.  We usually try to go to the beach during the summer but we didn’t think we could bear to go there this year.  Hadley absolutely loved the beach and we just didn’t think we would have any fun without her there with us.  We will try for a beach trip in a couple of years once the new baby is here and old enough to enjoy it.  It is easier to go to Savannah as we have visited there several times and know that there is really nothing there that Hadley would enjoy, since it is more of just a historic town that she probably would have been bored with.  It makes it easier for us to not feel like she is missing out.  In our hearts we know she is in a much better place than us, but it doesn’t take away the ache we have for her daily.

     Grief is a strange thing in that some days it is so much worse than others.  There are days that are not so bad, and then there are days that it feels like you can’t breathe because you miss her so much.  No matter the day though, it is always there with you.  I am coming to learn that this is just a part of our lives now that we can’t expect to go away.  Time does help, but the pain and grief will always be present with us.  However, that is okay too though because the love we have for Hadley will always be with us, and our grief is part of that love.  The only way that hole will ever be totally filled is when we are reunited with our angel in heaven one day.  I can only imagine how tight I will hold her when I see her again.

     The pregnancy is going good so far.  I am 12 weeks this week, and so far I have been a good bit sicker than I was with Hadley.  I had a check up last week and we got to hear the little heartbeat.  It was music to our ears.  If the baby is a girl, her name will be Isabella Grace, and we will call her Izzy for short.  Her middle name will be after Hadley’s middle name.  If we have a boy, I have no idea what the name will be.  We have had the name Izzy picked out for a long time, so we are already calling the baby Izzy when we talk about her.  We still have 8 more weeks before we know for sure what we are having.  I guess we will decide for certain then.  The reality that we are having a baby in February has not really set in yet.  It has been nearly 4 years since we have had a little tiny baby to take care of.  It will be an adjustment, but one that we are really looking forward to.

    Thanks to everyone who continues to check on us and leave us messages.  It really means a lot to us.

 

June 21, 2007
(Long but please read)

    It has been awhile since I have sat down to update Hadley’s site.  Sometimes, I find it very hard to do as there just isn’t as much interesting things to tell without Hadley here.  We continue to miss her each and every day.  We made it through our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day without her.  Thank you to everyone who thought about us and prayed for us on those days.  They were very difficult days for us.  A couple of weeks ago, the church where Hadley attended daycare, First United Methodist, held a dedication ceremony for their new playground.  We are very honored and proud to say that they dedicated a wall on the playground to Hadley.  They placed a tile there in memory of Hadley, and the children who attend there will have their handprints put on the tiles around it for many years to come.  It was a very special day for us as it always means the world to us for others to remember and honor our little angel.

     Now for our exciting news, we are expecting another little one February 4th.  We have known this for a few weeks, but have wanted to wait to tell everyone until we made sure everything was okay (see ultrasound).  We had an ultrasound today, and so far everything looks good.  Please pray for a healthy baby and pregnancy for us.  While we are so excited about having a new baby, the news is also bittersweet for us.  We can only imagine what Hadley would have thought about being a big sister.  She would have been such a great one.  We cling to the hope and promise that we will see our little angel again, and that one day she will get to meet her little brother or sister.  We found this poem on another site, and it seemed so fitting.  We hope you enjoy reading it below.  Thank you to everyone who continues to check on and pray for us.

The Angel With the Golden Glow
By: Elissa Al-Chokhachy

Once in a village in a faraway place, a child was born.

She was a child unlike any other child. She was special. Of course all babies are special, but this child was different. She was really an angel in disguise. Her golden hair, long curly dark eyelashes, cherubic cheeks, and sweetness were the only telltale signs that could possibly give away her disguise.

This angel was full of courage, as are most angels who come to earth. Shortly before the cherub’s birth, God gathered all the angels and held an important meeting in heaven.

“My beloved angels,” He said, “how I love each of you for the joy you bring! Soon there is to be born on earth a special child. She will be different from other children in the things she will be able to do. I need the bravest of all My cherubs to bring healing. You will be born in this special earthly body. It will not work in the same way as most do. Although you’ll have loving parents, life will not be easy. Soon after your birth, they will know your time on earth will be brief.”

The cherubs started jumping up and down, waving there hands, hoping to be chosen! An angel’s purpose is to spread love, joy, hope, and healing. Each knows it is a great privilege to do God’s work.

God looked among His angels and noticed one whose halo shone brighter than all the rest. “Little Angel with the Golden Glow,” He announced, “I choose you to be born unto this earthly home. Your light is so bright it can penetrate even the deepest sadness and change it into love. It is you, blessed angel, who shall do My work on earth.”

The angel was thrilled! How she had hoped she would be chosen! She would work with all her might to bring healing into her new home.

All the angels gathered around their friend to say goodbye. They would miss her. Yet they knew it was a great honor to be chosen for this wonderful journey.

One cherub, The Angel with the Tender Heart, was especially sad. She cried because The Angel with the Golden Glow was her best friend. What would she do without her? Sensing her friend’s despair, The Angel with the Golden Glow hugged her close. As she did this, her halo shone so much light that her friend’s sadness soon lifted.

“Don’t be sad. This is the greatest day of my life. I’m off to share my love with the world. Remember I’ll always love you… whether we are together or apart… one from the other. One day you too will be chosen, and then you’ll understand.”

When The Angel with the Golden Glow was finally ready, she was born into the chosen home. There was great celebration for she was the family’s first child and first grandchild. Her mom and dad and the entire family were ecstatic. And the child was loved immeasurably.

Shortly after her birth, the angel saw tears in the eyes of all who loved her. They had been told she was different. She would never be like other children. She would not stay on earth for very long. Her family was sad. They hurt inside. They did not understand.

The Angel with the Golden Glow was puzzled. She knew she had been chosen for this very reason. If only she could explain. If only she could help in some way! Then she remembered her gift of the golden glow. From then on, whenever there was sadness, she shone her halo so brightly that the sadness disappeared. It magically turned into love… and her home overflowed with love!

The angel’s parents loved her with all their hearts. Her mom sang to her and gently caressed her body. She kissed her and said over and over, “I love you, my little snuggle-bunny. You’re such a beautiful girl!” It was hard for her dad to leave to go to work. He wanted to spend every moment they had together. Her dad would lie with his arms around her, and tell her, “I love you, baby.”

When their child was not able to do the things that other children could do, they loved her all the more. They were grateful she was in their lives, and thankful for all the joy she brought.

Sometimes her mom and dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins became sad again. They couldn’t imagine what life would be like when she wasn’t with them anymore. During those times, the angel beamed her halo the brightest until they felt better. The Angel with the Golden Glow felt happy inside. She felt fulfilled, for she knew she was doing all she had come to do.

Finally the day came when the angel’s work on earth was completed. She was sad. She would miss her family, especially her mom and dad. She knew they would miss her too. Then she remembered that love never dies. They would always love one another. She also remembered there would be a time when they would be together again. This made her feel better. How she loved them so…

The Angel with the Golden Glow was gently and lovingly returned to heaven.

Once they were reunited, God said, “In you, child, I am well pleased.” All the angels joyfully welcomed her and gave her a great celebration!

The Angel with the Golden Glow was elated to see her best friend.  She told her all about her adventures on earth. “I had the most wonderful parents in all the world!” she exclaimed. The Angle with the Tender Heart listened to each and every story. How good it felt to be together again!

As the Angel with the Golden Glow finished telling her last story, her friend said, “I missed you so much. Yet our time together in heaven will be short. I have the most amazing news! God has chosen me to be born into the same family. There is still much healing that needs to be done. Just think! We will be earthly sisters as well as heavenly sisters. This is surely the greatest honor of my life!”

The Angel with the Golden Glow was happy for her friend’s wonderful opportunity. There wasn’t anyone in all of heaven she would rather send to her earth family than her dearest friend. Yet she would miss her. She had looked forward to the days when they would be together again.

As they hugged, the Angel with the Tender Heart felt her friend’s sadness. Her heart overflowed with so much love that the sadness disappeared! The two cherubs giggled in delight at the love that they shared and the special gifts they had been given. They felt happy and proud to be angels. Even though they would miss one another, it was okay. They understood. They knew how important it was for The Angel with the Tender Heart to go to earth.

As The Angel with the Tender Heart was leaving, she said, “I love you, dear friend. I promise to take tender loving care of all those you love on earth. Don’t be sad… for there will be a day when we will be together again. And remember, as you so wisely taught me, I’ll always love you… whether we are together or apart… one from the other.”

THE END

 

May 4, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    I find myself realizing the need to update Hadley’s site but thinking that there is really not a lot to say.  I could write pages and pages saying how much we miss Hadley, but I still don’t think that it would convey the depth of the loss that we feel.  With Relay for Life coming up, I can’t help but think about how much I wish Hadley would be walking the survivor lap again this year.  Last year, she proudly wore her medal and helped carry the opening banner.  She was the smallest and youngest one with cancer in our area.  She was such a trooper.  She had just had surgery 2 days before to biopsy her little arm and lymph nodes, and her hair had just started to come out again.  However, she didn’t let it slow her down a bit.  She had a great time that night and kept up with all the other kids her age.  We were and still are so proud of her.  She never let anything bring her down, and we continue to look to her strength and determination as an inspiration to get through the absolute hardest time in our lives. 

    I must confess, every year she participated I wondered to myself if it would be her last time.  However, I never truly allowed myself to believe that there was a chance that she wouldn’t be here for it this year.  People on the outside may think that when your child battles cancer for 3 years, that you would be prepared for their possible death.  There is nothing you can do to prepare for this.  We always had hope that she would get better and we never allowed our minds to go there.  You can’t survive on a daily basis when you are dealing with cancer if that is your attitude.  The fact that she won’t be there this year with her little medal on is still so hard to believe.  After 5 months, you would think that the reality would have set in.  Yes, we know she is gone but I think if we truly allowed ourselves to absorb it all, we wouldn’t be able to breathe.  I think it will take a lifetime to be able to take it all in. 

    We have learned to cherish every moment we have with the people we love.  If you don’t learn anything else from what happened with Hadley, we hope that you have learned to never take the people you love for granted, especially your children.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow and even though you and your loved ones may be healthy now, you never know what is lurking around the corner.  When you think of Hadley, hug your own children extra tight and take the time out to really spend time with them.  Because Hadley was always so sick, we knew how important it was cherish every single moment with her.  I am thankful we can look back and not have any regrets about anything we did with her.  In her 3 short years, she was able to experience several trips to the zoo, she went to the beach (one of her favorite places) countless times, she rode the carousel at the mall so many times we lost track, she built more animals at Build-a-Bear store than most kids do in their entire life, she was able to get several different pets, including a puppy, a kitten, goldfish, and her very own miniature horse, she also was able to see her very fist movie on the “Big TV” (the movie theatre) as she called it.  Her birthday parties were so big that she grew tired of opening presents.  Some may call this spoiled, but we still don’t see it that way.  Because of Hadley’s illness, we knew in the back of our minds that each birthday, Christmas, or even trip to the zoo could be her last, so we celebrated big every day.  In fact, her last day awake and out of the hospital, she was able to go to the Galleria to Build-A-Bear and go to the toy store.  She was not feeling her best but I will always remember her looking back at us from her stroller, she had been too tired to walk much lately, and smiling and saying “This is fun”.  I will always treasure that day, and I thank God that she was able to enjoy her life until almost her last day.

    Hadley was always able to laugh and smile about everything.  Her attitude was unbelievable.  I remember when her hair started to come out, I wondered how I would explain to a 2 year old what was happening to her hair.  Fortunately, it was summer time and our horse Peanut was shedding all of his hair also.  One night after a bath, Hadley looked at her nearly bald head for the first time in the mirror and giggled and said “I just like Peanut; my hair’s coming out too”.  She thought it was so funny and I can’t tell you how relieved I was.  I also remember while she was in the midst of radiation and chemo, how happy she was.  People that didn’t see her would feel so sorry for her and ask how she was doing with radiation.  They looked shocked when I would tell them that she loved it.  To Hadley it was all a lot of fun because she got to go and play with the Hand-In-Paw dogs everyday.  After we would leave radiation, if we needed to head over to the hospital for chemo that was fine with her too.  She considered the nurses at the clinic and Dr. Watts to be her playmates.  She would happily ride back to the chemo transfusion room on her little stick horse and demand to know where her medicine was.  When she would leave everyday, everyone would have a smile on their face as she rode back out the door on her little stick horse.  If everyone’s attitude and personality was like Hadley’s, the world would be such a better place.

    On a side note, we want to remind everyone about the Curing Childhood Cancer car tags that are for sale.  Like other specialized tags the cost is an extra $50, however you can get them personalized at no additional charge.  Most importantly, of the $50 cost, $41 dollars goes to Clinic 8, the hematology/oncology clinic at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham.  This is the clinic where Hadley received all of her treatments, and the money goes to support the clinic in their efforts.  Thank you to Jennifer Garrett for letting us know that you purchased one when you renewed your tag.  If you want to help other children like Hadley, please consider purchasing one of these tags when you renew your tag this year

 

April 14, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    It was quite the relief to start this week.  We made it through a difficult week last week.  Everything seemed to compound on us as we got the results of Hadley’s autopsy, had the 4 month anniversary of her death, and saw Easter come and go for the first time without her.  We chose to have a quite Easter with family away from the usual traditional Easter stuff.  The thought of Easter services and egg hunts were a little more than we could take this year.  For now, it seems a little easier to just skip the holidays.  Hadley’s autopsy results were very complicated but seemed to basically boil down to the fact that her heart failed due to the accumulation of all the fluid around it.  Although there is no test to prove it, Dr. Watts suspects it is possible that a virus attacked her heart.  With no immune system, and weakened lungs from the radiation, it was just more than her little body could take.  Getting the results seems to have helped us somewhat.  Dr. Watts reassured us that there was nothing that we could have done to have prevented what happened to her, and that we, along with everyone taking care of her, made the best decisions possible to give her the best shot at being cured.  We were once again reminded how thankful we were for the wonderful team of doctors and nurses that took care of Hadley and us throughout her illness.  They helped to give us 3 wonderful years with her, and for that we will forever be grateful.  Not much news to report other than that.  Life continues to be uneventful/boring without our little comedic angel here.  However, we know that we will see her again one day, and until then we will continue to take it day by day and minute by minute.

 

March 24, 2007
(update by Ryann)

    Life continues to creep along.  It is hard to believe that it has been almost 4 months since we last held our beautiful Hadley.  What a precious gift she was!  We feel so blessed to be her parents.  We continue to have good and bad days.  Sometimes the good days seem to out number the bad, and at other times it seems that the bad days out number the good.  We know that Hadley is in a much better place, but the sheer fact of just missing her seems overwhelming at times.  She was the center of our world for so long and we find ourselves wondering what we are supposed to do now.  She was the boss of the family, so we are having to relearn how to make decisions without her.
    We had the drawing for the shotgun.  Congratulations to Stewart Pinckard!  Thanks so much to everyone who supported the raffle.  We were able to raise a little over $4000.  We made our first trip back to Children’s since Hadley died.  It was much easier than expected.  We also had a wonderful lunch with two Hand-In-Paw partners, Nena and Kathy.    In a strange way, it was a relief to not have Hadley with us.  Of course we miss her very much, but we knew how much happier she was that day in heaven instead of at the hospital.  She did not have to go with us and worry about what type of medicine she was getting, how long she had to stay, and whether or not she had to get a “stickie”.  We were able to take gas cards and pizza cards to the families of the children with cancer.  We also took 25 new movies and 4 new video games to the transfusion room at the clinic. We took the toys that Maw-Maw and Pop bought Hadley for Christmas.  They were great toys, and we asked that they give them to little girls on the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit.  These children have to stay for months at the time for their cancer treatment, and we hoped to put a smile on their faces.  It felt so good to be able to give back to the people who gave us the 3 wonderful years that we had with Hadley.  The doctors, nurses, and staff there are like family to us, and it was great to see everyone again.  We also got word from Dr. Watts that the results of Hadley’s autopsy will be back within the next couple of weeks.  We still are unsure of what happened to her.  When the results come in, we will go back to meet with him and this will give us the opportunity to ask any questions that we have about her death.  It will be very difficult, but it will also help us to have some closure in that area.  Her death shocked us.  Two days before she died, she was running around playing and we were struggling to keep up with her.  We hope that we will be able to get all of the answers that we need.

February 20th, 2007

    I know it has been awhile since my last update. We've had a numbness feeling lately which seems to make everything at present feel okay. What hurts is when that numbness goes away again and again. It feel like yesterday since that awful night in ICU yet it feels like an eternity since I last held her. I find myself stuck in that night and that is when it is the worst. I wish I could erase that time from my head. We still sit and talk about Hadley daily, telling her stories over and over. I wish that could make me completely happy but when the stories end the hard truth is there will be no new stories. I miss her too much for words. We don't go to the cemetery but about once every three days. I drive by everyday on the way to work and blow her a kiss.
    We traded the van in. After much deliberation it had more bad feelings than good. We got Ryann an '06 Equinox. It was hard getting in the van and seeing the empty seat in the back. It had built-in car seats so there was no ridding that. Ryann has started a new hobby of scrap booking. She is through the first page of a three scrapbook series on Hadley. I am happy that she has found something to fill her days. She is also going to start her masters this summer. I have been working on a video memorial for Hadley. It is going very slow. It is hard to watch and edit video without having a meltdown. I plan to sell copies very cheap as a small fundraiser for the Hadley May Foundation.
    Speaking of the foundation, the raffle is going pretty good. I have a hard time asking for money for tickets at this point but I will have to get over that. Dad "Grumpy" has been selling like crazy. If you haven't already, look at her foundation page for info on this raffle and upcoming events.
    There has been a Hadley story that has been getting much attention lately and I'd like to share it. Hadley, even if glued to her DVD player, was listening to everything. Even when she was only spouting out one or two words she would copy random words of mine and Ryann's conversations. At one point Ryann was implying that I was acting like I was eight-years-old and out of the blue the word "eight" came from the backseat. This only got worse as time went on. Well, one stay in the hospital I was talking to Josh Cumbee on my cell phone while he was driving home from work. He had mentioned that traffic was bad and I said, "well leave it to all the rubberneckers to slow it down". I look over and Hadley has a disgusted look on her face (usual when I had irritated her) and told me very matter-of-fact "daddy...it not rubberneckers...its rubberduckies!" She insisted I apologize and use the correct word "rubberduckies". She always picked on me. What a ham!
    We have some updated facts on the Foundation Page. Please go and see!

 

January 16th, 2007

    The days are still fluctuating between good and bad. Its hard to do something you did before Hadley passed away. I played racquetball tonight for the first time since before she went to the hospital in November. The drive home was sad because every night I would get home Hadley would run hide in the pantry or behind the couch and yell "has anyone seen Hadley?". She made small things like coming home so much fun. I find my ride home to and from work goes by fast while I reminisce of times with Hadley.
    Me, Ryann, Mrs. Ann, and Mr. Robert went to Montgomery for the first time Monday (01/15/07). It was depressingly boring without Hadley. The last time we went to Montgomery Hadley got a balloon from the mattress store and just loved it. When I walked though any store I would always look for something for the hospital or maybe just to make me Hadley's favorite for the day. Stores aren't as appealing.
    Ryann is mostly occupying her time writing thank-you cards or cleaning. She called Kinsley's mom last Saturday and we made plans to go visit next weekend. We look forward to that. We really feel a connection with them and we adored Kinsley.
    School is good and I am starting to coach football again. I remember Hadley was well enough to come to one of my games and see me coach. I was probably the least productive that night because I would turn to look at her every five minutes. They left at half time and she came to the fence to hug me bye. That is one of my favorite memories. I have to tell this story while I'm on football. I of coarse love the game and I'm a huge Florida State Seminole fan. Hadley set my priorities though. Hadley always said "football is for boys". Well, Florida State was playing Florida and we were in the hospital. Florida was ranked #3 or #4 and my Seminoles hadn't had that great of a year. I had missed a series or two running to McDonald's for french fries because we weren't likely to even come close to winning. However, Florida State tied the game 14-14 in the fourth quarter and it was getting good. Hadley had been watching her portable DVD player but she noticed my attention was on the game. Knowing I was a sucker and I wanted to to be comfortable she looked over at me and said "daddy, I want to watch the animal show" (that was Animal Planet). I said "the game will be over real quick, will you watch your movie?" I thought that would buy me some time. Then a sweet voice said, "I'm scared of football". HA She watched her DVD AND Animal Planet while Florida State went on to loose 21-14. I don't regret a second of it!

January 7th, 2007

    It has been a month today and I miss Hadley even more than I ever did. The first week was filled with preparing her funeral and her gravesite. In a odd way I felt like I was still doing something for her and it didn't hurt as bad. We've gotten the final rendition of her headstone and everything fixed up. We got a bench so we can spend a lot of time there. We occupied most of our time watching movies because we could turn our brains off and not have to think too much. Thursdays, I think, will always be hard because it is another week without Hadley. Mornings are harder for Ryann because that was the time she spent with Hadley. Nighttime is harder for me because that is when we played but Saturdays are especially hard. Most days since she died have been beautiful days and I want so bad to go outside and play again. I can't help to think what she would need to wear if it is a little chilly.
    We didn't really celebrate Christmas. Being around family was nice and telling stories about Hadley was great. The hardest part was leaving. When it was just me and Ryann and we didn't have Hadley to buckle in we usually would have a meltdown. New Years didn't get any easier. The thought of beginning a new year without Hadley was difficult. Everyday it seems like it has been an eternity since we held her.
    The first day I went back to work was a whole new set of emotions. When I got out of the shower and opened the bathroom door, a rush of sadness came over me that Hadley wasn't asleep next to Ryann. I use to have to be so careful not to shine any light on Hadley or I might get yelled at. When I went to work I was also worried about Ryann being home alone because her days were occupied with Hadley. Work got easier and Ryann said being at home is getting easier. When I get home I don't even get out of the truck, we just go straight to the cemetery.
    I have become obsessed with Childhood Cancer. That is one reason I wanted to do this journal. I want people to continue coming to her site and not forget. I have a million ideas in my head about how we can help. I am creating her a website for her foundation. Ryann still reads up on the other children with cancer. The sad thing is she is running out of kids because they are dying from this merciless disease. Kinsley Bulger, a sweet little girl who looked so much like Hadley, passed away yesterday. It seems like everyday another child has passed away. I get so angry when I do research on the funding for childhood cancer and realize that funding from the National Cancer Institute has been cut for childhood cancer. Because childhood cancer isn't as big as other adult cancer while the truth remains that cancer is the #1 killer of children under the age of 20. More that 12,000 children will die of cancer this year. American Cancer Society (Relay for Life) only gives 2% to childhood cancer research but it is these children that are on the posters to solicit donations.
    Please remember Hadley and come back to this page often.